Dealing with Dread

Aug 24

Last month I received a rather official-looking letter from the city of Charleston that, when opened, had those six cursed words: You have been summoned for jury duty. I marked the day on my calendar and then tried to wipe it out of my mind because it brought me such dread.

But without any processing or getting to the root of things, it continued to pop up here and there in my mind until last week when the countdown was on and the dread factor really ramped up. I felt like it was my summons to the guillotine. My time was up. All weekend I was blah. I had to explain to my boyfriend why I wasn’t my usual bottle of boundless energy. I felt off, I felt dread. I also felt a tad silly fretting over something as seemingly small as jury duty when our world is in crisis in so many ways (Afghanistan, Covid surge, countless hurricanes and wildfires)

But, as they say, it’s all relative so in this case - jury duty was causing me dread; therefore, it was time for me to get down and dirty with the dread in my head.

Dread

verb

‘anticipate with great apprehension or fear.’

Dread is everywhere and in all of our lives. We can experience dread on Sunday nights when we have a hard week looming, or when we know we have a call with a friend or partner that we anticipate will be difficult. Many of us dread the thought of social obligations or small talk (even if we still want to be invited!). Right now, our country - and the world, myself included - is facing a different kind of dread as Covid cases surge with the rise of the Delta variant, breakthrough infection rates are becoming seemingly more common, and we face a return to mask mandates, social distancing, after what seemed like a return to ‘normal’ this summer. Hell, dread can pop up when we have too many dishes to clean. The point is dread can be centered around the mundane or the extreme, the simple or the dramatic. And it can bring up heightened emotions and reactions of all kinds, often this includes playing out worst-case scenarios and ruminating over what might be, or procrastinating and putting off, prolonging whatever it is we’re dreading. To be clear, none of these mental exercises serve us or our well-being.

Considering this, I decided to coach myself to better understand why I as in such a fragile state over something seemingly so undramatic as jury duty. Here is what I learned:

Stop Thinking About It (and/or get proactive about it)

If you’re dreading something and it’s unavoidable that it is going to happen (like jury duty), there is no reason to keep repeating the doom loop in your head. Get in the garden, play some music, focus on something that makes you happy. Pass the time in positive or productive ways instead of ruminating. Same goes for something you might be dreading but isn’t a fact or a certainty (like contracting Covid or preparing for a bad storm). Yes, these things are scary and fill us with dread but what’s the point of dwelling on them? As I’ve heard it said before, “If you focus on the worst-case scenario and it happens, you've lived it twice.” Instead, control what you can control. In both of these cases, you can control your mindset and what you are giving energy to. You can also, in the case of a ‘maybe’ dread, do all that you can proactively to put your mind at ease. Wear a mask proactively, prepare your go-bag in case of a hurricane, practice safety in social situations, and understand your own risk threshold. I encourage you (as I encourage myself!) to lean into the wisdom that’s out there in moments of dread: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it.

Know (and don’t numb) Why You Dread A Situation

In the case of a jury duty summons, I had to really stop and ask myself, why am I spinning out? When I examined where the dread was coming from with curiosity, intention and mindfulness, I realized: in the past when I received a summons letter, I was working for companies as a full-time employee so I had paid time off, and perhaps the work didn’t matter quite as much to me. This time, I would be losing money if I had to cancel all of my clients for the duration of jury duty. Frustrating for me, and also there is nothing I dislike more than not being able to show up for my clients. This is my life’s most meaningful work, so taking a pause from it is not easy. Also, I am extremely diligent when it comes to organization and planning -- and since I had no idea if I would be picked or for how long, I couldn’t schedule any new clients or meetings. That drove me nuts. Basically, I realized I relish control and organization. And as we know, “when we plan, God laughs.”

Sitting with the feelings and processing them with openness and compassion helped me tremendously. My former coping mechanism in the past might have been to numb my feelings instead of leaning into them and exploring them. We’ve all had times when we just want to numb hard and uncomfortable feelings with alcohol, Netflix binging, busyness, or a host of other easy to access numbing tactics. Had I taken this approach, I wouldn’t have got to the root of why I was feeling dread. Take note: there is a difference in avoiding the feelings and simply not dwelling on them.

Practice Gratitude/Meditate

In my case, I had to stop the dread head and remember to be thankful that I have clients and meetings, even if I have to shift my schedule around. I gave thanks that I live in America, and surrendered to the fact that this is part of my civic duty. I am also thankful for the fact this is the biggest dread I have in my life at the moment because I know so many others dread putting food on the table or paying bills or sending their children back to school when no one’s safety is guaranteed. Gratitude puts things in perspective, and can help minimize dread that may have amplified if left unchecked.

Meditating can also help slow a busy mind. When we are spinning out over something, just stop, get quiet, breathe deeply and take five minutes to sit with the feelings. It’s a great way to see what comes up or if they simply pass through. You are NOT your feelings. They will pass. So don’t breathe life into them if they are negative. Don’t dwell. Get to the root of them, and then get out of your head -- or do something proactive to help put your mind at ease.

Talk it Out

Examining my feelings of dread was incredibly helpful, and expressing them helped me feel so much better. When I told my boyfriend how I was feeling and why or when people asked, “How are you,” I would be honest, “I’m dreading jury duty!” Everyone can commiserate on that one, and it feels good to just put it out in the universe, and connect with friends and community. To feel seen and heard. Also, talking to your coach and therapist for a bigger deep dive into those feelings always helps. 👋🏼

BTW… I was not selected to be a juror. Three more years until that dread drops into my mailbox again! But I’m guessing I won’t dread it nearly as much next time around.