Do You Live in A Place of Love or Fear?
My two amazing Scottish Terriers, Fergus and Gareth Dingwall, turned 10 this year. Scotties are known to live long lives, up to 16 years! But for some reason, turning 10, seeing the age spots on their tummies, the grey hairs on their backs, and feeling their little (harmless) fatty lumps under their skin, reminds me daily that they are aging. Recently I have been living in constant fear that something bad will happen to them and I will lose them. Living in the ‘What If’ world is never a happy place to be, and so many of us live in it constantly. When I am living in fear I notice I can be short with people, I snap easily, I get judgy and stressed out. Not who I want to be!
There are two ways to live life- from a place of love or from a place or fear. I have always been a positive person and rarely do I live in fear. Being a gay man, I am constantly aware of my surroundings and can sense where I won’t be safe. But living in fear? Nope. Sashaying down Peachtree Street in full drag at 1am in the 90s I was never fearful, but always alert. I have always chosen to live in love, but trust, I have to check myself at times. Constantly worrying about my dogs dying is the most recent moment of reflection. Instead of worrying over them, I am lavishing love on them. Relishing every day we spend together, and focusing on the now because I choose love. When I take this route, my spirits lift, my day has more purpose, I let negative events go and my day seems a little brighter.
As Marianne Williamson explains in her phenomenal book, A Return to Love, “Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we have learned. The spiritual journey is the relinquishment-or unlearning-of fear and the acceptance of love back in our hearts.”
Here are a few tips on how to lean in on love and not fall into fear:
Limit your news intake. While some stations really lay on the fear factor thick, overall, the news has turned into shock and awe more than simply reporting the facts. I listen to NPR every morning to know what’s happening in the world from a calming voice. I read the headlines and dive into a few articles a day but I don’t watch any news stations. The dramatic music, the opinions of newscasters, the shouting matches, not in my house! One news website I live for is The Good News Network, they only report on positive news stories.
Wake up to gratitude. When I wake up, I take a moment to think about all I am grateful for. The sunshine, the cooling fan, the yawn of the dog, the chirp of the bird. The simple things. If I am worried about a presentation, meeting, or something happening in the world, I hold my heart and breath in love and exhale the fear. Does all the fear vanish? No. But does it help? Tremendously.
Live life fully. If I focused on all the bad happening in the world I would never leave my house, but guess who wins in that situation? Fear.
Change the subject. When you are out with friends or family and fear mongering becomes the focus, change the subject. You will notice how everyone’s shoulders lower and faces relax when you move the group away from focusing on fear. This isn’t to say that you should live in Lollipop Land. Engage if necessary, and help them work through the fear, this is where compassion moves in. You will know when and where.
Breathe/Talk/Walk it out. Of course fear happens. We lose a job, the bank account looks bleak, we worry we may never meet a partner. When you feel the fear in your body, stop and take a deep breath. Get present, know that right now you are ok. Get out of the house and take a walk. Call a friend or your coach and talk it out. Simply put, get out of your head.
I’ll end with this story I read in my friend Jo Bowlby’s brilliant new book, A Book for Life:
There is an old, probably apocryphal, Native American story which illustrates this (energy flow) beautifully. Sitting around a campfire one evening, the old chief decides to tell his grandson about a terrible battle.
‘This battle is fought between two wolves which live inside us all. One wolf is consumed with fear, self-loathing, worry and negative thoughts. The other wolf is courageous, confident, kind and passionate about life.’
The young boy thinks about it for a minute, and, full of concern, asks, ‘So, which wolf wins?’
The chief replies, ‘The one you feed.’
