What I Learned on a 12-Day Ayahuasca Retreat
To start, let me get this out of the way…
No, I did not just return from ‘doing drugs in the jungle!’ I write this with a wink and an eye roll, as I have heard this too many times! For the uninitiated, an ayahuasca retreat can seem like many things — confusing, trendy, an excuse to party, a puke fest. For the initiated, it is life-changing and oftentimes life-saving.
I am honored to share my experience with you.
I just arrived back from a profoundly healing retreat in the Amazon rainforest at the Temple of the Way of Light. Over a period of 12 days, I partook in six ayahuasca ceremonies conducted by four healers from the Shipibo tribe. This journey began for me in 2019, when I was originally supposed to attend. Due to Covid, it kept getting bumped — again then again then again — until, FINALLY, January 2022. It was such a wondrous experience which I am still processing (I only just returned to Charleston on February 2), but I am eager to share it with the world to help unlock the stigma of psychedelics and encourage others who are looking for healing to consider such a place to go deep within themselves.
Sunrise at The Temple of the Way of Light
Backstory
Back in 2019 when I was going through my divorce, my friend Jo Bowlby, a well-known shaman in London, encouraged me to go to The Temple of the Way of Light in Peru to help process and heal from the end of my marriage. I trusted her advice, and, after a little research, reached out to the temple and booked for May 2020. Well, we all know what happened then. I rebooked it four times during Covid, hoping by the time the trip would come around, the coast would be clear. It wasn’t until January of 2022 that I could finally make it. I spent a week in Cusco before the retreat exploring its astounding architecture and colorful culture (llamas!), as well as the Sacred Valley and Machu Picchu. Then on January 19th, I flew to Iquitos, the gateway to the Amazon, and met up with 23 other guests on the morning of January 20th for a bus ride to a boat ride to a hike through the jungle to reach our home for the next 12 days. No electricity. No wifi. No mirrors! I had been preparing for this experience for almost three years and was ready to dive in. The time had come!
My work with Psychedelics
As for working with psychedelics, this is nothing new for me, although I have never worked with them on this level. I was a raver in the 90s, and while I didn’t use psychedelics in a ‘spiritual’ setting per se, they opened up a teenage boy who had been bullied for years, into seeing that there was more love and joy in the world and that this community of people (ravers) were there to lift me up, accept me for who I am and let me live authentically with zero judgment. Dancing with these folks was the first time in my life I felt totally accepted in a community. After a few years of doing LSD, MDMA, mushrooms, and more, I was open and honest with my family that this was part of my lifestyle while assuring them that I was not spiraling into addiction, but being lifted up into a loving community. I’ll never forget telling my mother, “I just hope these become legal someday because I am living proof of how much they can break down social barriers and connect us deeper to nature and the world around us.” That was 1995. 27 years later, Westerner’s views of psychedelics have been on a wild and wonderful ride. Just look at 60 Minutes, Michael Pollan, and countless other articles on how psychedelics are helping people with depression, marriage issues, anxiety, and veterans with PTSD. While we can thank Nixon and then Reagan for their “War on Drugs,” and for slamming the door shut on the amazing research that was being done on psychedelics all those years ago, we can really go back to the Spanish colonization of Latin and South America, where early Catholic monks forbade the tribes to continue using plant medicine since they saw it as evil. Psychedelics even bubbled up in Ancient Greece through the Eleusinian Mysteries and (don’t shoot the messenger) the Holy Bible. Burning bush, anybody?
About ten years ago I was invited to a cabin in upstate New York to work with a ‘journey facilitator’ and to experiment with plant medicine. It was such a vastly different way to connect with psychedelics. We fasted, we meditated, the facilitator asked us to set intentions, we had an integration circle the next morning. This really opened my eyes to a new way of psychedelics for therapy and healing on a whole other level. Since then I have been open and curious about psychedelics in my own life, but I have always been cautious of diving in too often. While psychedelics are not addictive like caffeine, alcohol, or cocaine, there are people who use them as a crutch and not as a guide. I like how Michael Brown put it in his book, The Presence Process, “It’s apparent that even though the respectful application of plant medicines and ceremonies activated an awareness of presence, for most of us these tools are best viewed as a signpost, not the road itself.”
Present in Peru
What is Ayahuasca?
Per the Temple’s website: Ayahuasca is an Amazonian plant medicine that has been used for centuries, possibly thousands of years, by indigenous and more recently mestizo ayahuasca shamans across the upper Amazon throughout Peru, Colombia, Ecuador and Brazil. Unlike all other sacred plant medicines, ayahuasca is made from two plants — the ayahuasca vine (Banisteriopsis caapi) and the leaf of the chacruna plant (Psychotria viridis). Both plants are collected from the jungle to create a potent mixture that offers access to the realm of spirits and an energetic world that we are typically unable to perceive in our ordinary state of consciousness. There are also countless studies being conducted about the therapeutic potential of ayahuasca in relation to experiences of depression, anxiety, trauma, and grief.
In layman’s terms, it’s a very powerful medicine that, when taken with the right mindset and in the right setting, can help people open up and dive into everything from current and past trauma to where in life they are feeling stuck (job, relationship, living situation, etc.) Sounds like Mother Nature’s life coach to me!
La Dieta
I mentioned I have fasted for past plant medicine experiences, and the temple asks all guests to adhere to a fairly strict month-long diet, called La Dieta. This is common for anyone who is going to a proper ayahuasca ceremony for them to connect deeper with the plant. For obvious reasons, alcohol and street drugs are discouraged because you need to be as present as possible to work with the plant. Sex is one no-no that a lot of people (including me!) had many questions about. As it was explained to me: an ayahuasca retreat is a journey just for you, therefore, you don’t want other people’s energy literally entering you before, during, and after the experience. So for two weeks before the retreat I stopped consuming:
Caffeine
Salt
Alcohol
Red meat
Spicy Food
Pork (I don’t eat pork anyway)
Dairy
Ice cream/cold drinks
Chocolate (SIGH)
Sex (SIGHHHH)
Overall, this was fairly easy and kind of fun to try, but I did encourage the temple to come out with a cookbook because the food we had there was incredibly delicious, a far cry from the bland rice and spinach bowls I was gagging down at home.
My experience at the Temple
From start to finish, I have been so impressed with the professionalism of the temple and the deep commitment to the work everyone has there. A few weeks before our trip, they organized a Zoom call for guests going on the retreat. I got to meet about 20 of the 23 guests with who I would be spending 12 days with. While some would assume this would simply be ‘hippy camp,’ the group was diverse.
Our group included a: crane operator, English teacher, hairstylist, engineer, CTO, creative director, UNICEF refugee worker, med student, and a couple of life coaches like me, just to name a few. Guests came from across the globe from Brazil to Switzerland, Canada to Italy. I am very proud to say we had four people all from Atlanta in the same group!
Deep connection with these four!
When we arrived at the temple, we were shown our ‘tambo’ or lodging. I was in #7 and was very impressed with the spacious room, storage and hammock which got much use. We then changed into our bathing suits for our first ‘flower bath’ which cleanses away heavy energies and blockages. These were always welcome in the hot and humid jungle, especially since you are required to air dry so it’s a lovely time to catch up with friends next to the pond! We then met for lunch with the group. The food was always fresh and delicious while still strictly adhering to La Dieta.
My home for the retreat
The lovely and relaxing interior
After lunch, we had our first group meeting and got to know our three facilitators. I believe the temple works with about 15 facilitators on rotation and about 20–25 Shipibo healers also on rotation. We were with three fabulous female facilitators, Julianna, Amba, and Tuva from Brazil, Switzerland, and Norway, respectively. All three of them are deeply immersed in not only plant medicine work, but other healing modalities, including coaching, therapy, and yoga.
The fabulous facilitators Julianna, Amba, Tuva
Each day we would have a schedule written out on the whiteboard in the dining hall. A typical day included:
8am: Plant Remedies — fresh juices the healers provided us depending on our needs (stomach ache, headache, etc), as well as to nourish us for the ceremony.
9am: Breakfast in silence
1pm: Lunch
6:30pm: Yoga
8pm: Ceremony
Oftentimes, a group meeting was included and near the end of the retreat, a hike to learn more about the plants or a visit to the Chaikuni Institute, also owned by the temple, where they teach locals about permaculture.
What I didn’t think about before arriving is that we are deep in the jungle, so when people had health issues, it was up to the healers to work with them. Obviously, nothing life-threatening, but when friends had headaches, tummy aches, sinus infections, blisters, they would go to the healers and they always had something plant-based to cure them. As far as I know, all of the remedies worked! It makes sense when you consider that 25% of the world’s drugs are derived from plants in the Amazon.
Shamans? Healers? Maestros? Curadora?
The Shipibo use a few words to describe themselves. In English we would simply call them ‘healers.’ But they also use Maestro/Maestra as in — they are ‘master’ healers. Curador/Curadora is simply ‘healer’ in Spanish. I asked why they don’t use ‘shaman’ and it is because that is a Mongolian/Northern Asian word and simply doesn’t resonate with them.
Stan, Jackie, and I with the marvelous Maestra/Maestros
The Ceremonies
Over 12 days, we had six ayahuasca ceremonies. Most people I know who have tried ayahuasca have done it once or maybe twice over a weekend. Six ceremonies seems like a lot, and it is! But for good reason — like therapy, what does one session really do for you? Six sessions is how to go deeper while giving yourself time to process between sessions/ceremonies.
On the days we had a ceremony we didn’t eat dinner so our stomachs would be empty to receive the medicine. We would meet in the Maloca (a giant, gorgeous hut) at 6:30 pm, settle onto our mats with pillows, blankets, water, etc and Tuva would lead us for an hour of light yoga. At 8 pm the Maestro/Maestra (healers) would enter the maloca and get settled. About 8:30 they would start bringing us up one by one to drink. We would let the facilitator know how much we wanted and she would answer any questions we would have. This would take about 45 minutes for all 24 of us to partake. The Maestro/Maestra’s would then drink and once they felt the plant medicine, the evening would begin.
The four healers sit in front of four guests and start singing their ikaros. Without going down a huge rabbit hole, ikaros are songs that the healers learn when working with plant medicine. There are thousands of plants to work within the Amazon and at a young age, these healers find a plant they connect with (Bobinsana is an example) and can spend over a year fasting, and connecting with this plant. From the plant, they learn these songs or ‘ikaros’, which they then sing to help heal their patients. You can learn more about ikaros here. Remember how we are always told to sing to our plants? Well the healers are singing to the ayahuasca we have just put into our bodies, and this is when the plant really comes alive and begins to work its magic.
I know.
This. Sounds. Nuts.
But. It. Works.
For the rest of the evening, the healers scoot around the circle of guests and sing to each of us. We are asked to sit up when they come to us as a sign of respect. There were a few times when I was so deep in it that I wasn’t able to sit up, but I would hold my hands up in prayer for them to let them know I was present and thankful. This ritual takes about four hours from start to finish.
We would usually wrap up around 1am, and this was always a highlight of the evening. One of the facilitators would quietly whisper, “The ceremony is now closed, we would like to thank all of the Maestro/Maestra.” Then she would name each one and we would recognize them with a loud cooing that must be a form of cheer in Shipibo. It was hysterical and we would all be laughing and cooing and someone would invariably shout, “Viva Peru!” They would also shout, “Cooshie, Cooshie!” which to my gay delight I assumed was in reference to Charo! Cooshie actually means ‘powerful’ in Shipibo, referring to how powerful the plant was that evening. Regardless, each ceremony closing was full of love and laughter for these amazing healers. They would turn on their flashlights and be escorted out of the maloca and guests either walked back to their tambos or slept in the maloca. I chose to sleep in the maloca many evenings because I enjoyed being in community with other guests, especially my mat neighbor Jackie from Atlanta. We bonded deeply over our time next to each other without even speaking.
I know you all are waiting to hear about what ayahuasca is also famous for — making you purge. It happens! This is why it’s not for the faint of heart. In front of each of our mats, we all had a plastic bucket to purge (vomit) in. There are also a row of bathrooms next to the maloca for guests to purge (poop) in. It is all used frequently during each ceremony! The ayahuasca vine induces purging, which is part of the ceremony, releasing toxins. After getting over the initial fear of puking and pooping around others, it soon becomes just part of your nightly routine. Clearly, we are all a close-knit community after 12 days of purging around each other, and, like a retirement community, our ‘movements’ were often discussed around the lunch table to much amusement.
What I Learned:
In a nutshell, here is what I learned from the facilitators about our experience:
I love that Amba welcomed us by saying, “Your fear is welcome here!”
Fear is a wonderful compass — if we follow it, it can lead to expansion
Leave all of your problems aside, while you are here simply concentrate on the work
Doing this is not just for you, it is for your community of friends and family
Be patient with the medicine — sometimes it takes time (not in my case!)
Don’t compare this experience with others, just be with it — trust it
Set intentions for each ceremony — “Teach me.” “Show me.” “Help me.”
Getting triggered is not a curse, it’s a gift that brings awareness to how any of us wants to handle a situation differently
Ayahuasca is a conscious plant. When you set an intention before working with it, answers often come. Some of my intentions included:
Help me work on my anger management regarding politics
Help me respond and not react
Teach me how to be a better coach
Show me love
Show me death
Help me forgive
We were encouraged to share the essence of our experience with friends and family and not the full story. So while I had countless profound moments, questions answered, epiphanies, tender moments, hard cries, and profuse laughter (and, yes, bonkers visuals), these are my very personal experiences to relish, relive, and contemplate with myself.
What I will share, and what may be the most important takeaway from the entire experience, is that for 12 days I took care of my inner child, baby Cator. I rocked him, I let him laugh uncontrollably, I let him be swallowed up in fear and come out the other side. He got to be in awe of nature. He saw a meteor light up the entire night sky! He giggled with Maestro Benito and with Jackie and Philippe. He had the opportunity to simply be still, quiet, cozy, and connect with the stars, frogs, moths, butterflies, and the moon. He was shown unconditional love, and he got to be a wide-eyed kid, relishing every moment of beauty happening in each ceremony. He was allowed to heal from all of those years of bullying as a child, and start healing from the bullying that has bubbled back up in his life due to the current political situation. He needed this. I needed this. Just like the raves I attended back in the 90s to heal and find community, the temple has provided me with a similar experience on a much deeper and more spiritual level.
The past six years in politics have brought back all of the bullying I experienced growing up. Bills being proposed against my healthcare, mental health, rights, and freedoms. Politicians being openly homophobic. And the hardest part of all– friends and family voting for these people. So, in short, this was my healing journey from all of that. We will see how it continues to unfold, and what lessons I have yet to learn from this as I am still processing, as I imagine I will be doing for quite some time to come.
Integration
Per the temple website: Integration is as important — if not more important — than the healing that happens in an ayahuasca ceremony. Integration is what happens after your retreat. It’s what you do with the teachings and insights that you get from the medicine, as well as how you take care of yourself and make changes in your life that are consistent with your continued healing.
While I am only a week in (or out, rather), I have felt definite changes in mindset, awareness, presence, and openness. I feel more confident, more relaxed, more alive than I did before this magical experience. I can sink into mediation more easily and connect to nature on a deeper level. I am so thankful for the friends from the temple I speak/text with daily which helps enormously with integration. I have also booked a coaching session with a facilitator from the temple to further open up and connect about the experience.
Needless to say, I am eternally grateful to the healers, facilitators, and new chosen family I have in my life from this retreat. If anyone is interested in learning more about visiting the temple, I am happy to answer any questions you may have.
I will end this post, the way Benito would end his ikaros to me, with a deep breath, a little giggle, and whispering, “Aho” meaning “Amen.”
