When Triggered Do You Respond or React?
We don't need to rehash what happened between Will Smith and Chris Rock at this year's Oscars. If you live under a rock, here is the incident I am speaking of. But what it brought glaringly into my mind was how Will ‘reacted’ instead of ‘responded’.
Learning how to respond is half the reason I trekked to Peru. For as long as I can remember I have had a temper. Most people don’t see this side of me - the happy, joyful, laughing Cator. But the temper tantrums have exploded over the years, from anger at a cab driver, to rage at my roommates and even my sweet pups. But I always just thought that they provoked me, and my reaction is simply who I am when provoked! I never dug deeper. Having given it more thought, I realize now that it was rarely about them, but rather something that they said or did that triggered me. I have also come to know that I am not my reaction. There is space between a provocation, or trigger, and action that allows for a breath and a response that is thoughtful - not immediate.
It wasn’t until the former President was elected that the temper tantrums increased exponentially. When people I knew praised him, I would fly off the handle. When people would mention Fox News, I would storm out of the room. And when Black Lives Matter happened, and I had to hear white people make it about themselves with ‘All Lives Matter’, I would come unglued. It happened so often that I began to see a pattern and I realized: this isn’t healthy, this hurts me to feel this way, something's got to give. Then when Ruth Bader Ginsburg died, I read a quote from her, ‘Reacting in anger or annoyance will not advance one’s abilities to persuade.’ That hit me. Nobody is going to listen to the person who screams and yells.
To break it down:
Reacting is instant. It’s a result of how we have been wired for thousands of years with the Fight, Flight, or Freeze response. If someone shoots an arrow at your hut, you are damn well going to react, and quickly. We carry this with us to this day, albeit in different scenarios from road rage, a boss not giving us a raise, or a friend missing a dinner date.
Responding is thought out. It’s intentional. It involved a deep breath. It shows how we have matured as a species that we can think analytically about the situation instead of just shooting an arrow back. It takes you and those around you into account. It’s action (or inaction, as is sometimes the case) centered on your values.
The more we react, the less power we have over ourselves, hence feeling out of control. But you think, “Wow, that person really just pissed me off, I’ll show them,” and the table gets flipped. Reality television hasn’t helped us in this department. We are so numb to anger and making scenes, some people think seeing someone explode is funny and it turns into the latest meme. Really, we are watching someone lose themselves, come from a place of deep hurt and sadness, and what they need is compassion, empathy, and support. The pandemic has only made us act weirder in this regard, which means we need to go even deeper to reflect, breathe, pause and respond.
Next time you are triggered by someone, before you react, TAKE A DEEP BREATH. Ground yourself, hell, even leave the room for a minute. Your partner may have just said that they are tired of chicken pot pie. Honey, it’s not about the pie. It’s about you feeling not seen, feeling unappreciated, and if you stop and think about it, it may be bringing up a sense of feeling less than from childhood that you have always carried. Instead of throwing that pot pie across the room, what would it look like to calmly say, ‘Wow that hurt, and here is why…’ and then the dialogue can begin.
This is always a work in progress for me, as it is for so many of us, and it doesn’t happen overnight. Being bullied from a young age, when people exclaim how much they love the former President or even simply voted for him, all I hear is, ‘I support bullies!’ and that hurts. It took me a long time to realize that.
Remember:
When provoked, I will:
Take a deep breath
Allow space - The Pause - between someone’s action and your response
You decide how you want to proceed: walk away to regroup? Discuss in a calm and caring way? Disengage, if it feels like your emotional, mental, or physical health or safety might be compromised otherwise?
State how you feel or what you need in a calm voice: What you said really hurt, I need to take some time to think about that, I need space, I don’t feel it would be productive to engage like this or at this time or on this topic
Don’t forget to listen to the other person. We can be so wrapped up in our own fear and anger, that we forget there is another person in the room who may also feel triggered in their own way
This doesn't happen overnight, but once we tap into what causes us to react, the sooner we can start working on ways to heal and change. Just knowing that you can take that pause, find that breath, and choose how to respond is empowering. In time and with practice, it will become easier and more accessible to you.
As always, if you need help with responding and not reacting, I am here for you. We are all works in progress!
