Co-Facilitating EVRYMAN's First GBTQ Retreat

My head is spinning. I’m exhausted. There is so much to process. I’m on the plane taking off from Austin, Texas after co-facilitating our first GBTQ men’s retreat for EVRYMAN. 

Saboteurs are coming up that I fucked up, that I missed helping a man go deeper.  Then I take a deep breath and I laugh to myself. That nasty voice we all have in our heads got me. But not for long. I replaced the negative speak by focusing on all of the beautiful work that unfolded over the past three days. Remembering that I am enough, that shame is a bitch, that once we share it, we can help release it, and that men need to connect, be vulnerable, and hug (with consent).  I self-regulated. As my friend Mary wisely reminded me, ‘It will never be your first time again.’ I focused on the queer joy that I experienced. Spending three days with GBTQ men was beautiful, empowering, and healing. 

We have been talking about hosting a GBTQ retreat since I joined EVRYMAN in 2020. Mike has been wanting one since before I stepped in. So it’s been a long time coming. We chose Texas to be a good middle ground for men in America so it’s not so East Coast/ West Coast centric. At least for the first one.  We then chose  Wimberley, because it’s located in the beautiful Texas hill country. An hour from Austin. 

While EVRYMAN usually rents out retreat spaces to host our events, Mike and I weren’t sure how many men would sign up for this first-of-its-kind retreat. So we found an Airbnb that could host eight men plus us. We sent out the announcement in our monthly newsletter back in March and by the end of the week, it was sold out with 15 men on a waitlist. We were in awe.  Clearly our community needs and wants this work. 

For months Mike and I, along with Duncan (who brilliantly runs ops for EVRYMAN), worked on this retreat - fielding questions from guests, creating spreadsheets and Google docs including the agenda for the weekend. Mike and I were tweaking it up to the night before we all first sat in a circle. 

As the men arrived, Mike and I were ready and welcoming. With only eight men (retreats can have from 25-45 men typically), everyone was a little nervous at dinner as we opened up. Some knew each other from my weekly GBTQ Zoom group I’ve been hosting for three years now. Some had never been to an EVRYMAN event. But once we sat in circle, and started working with the men, they opened up, connected to each other and emotions began to flow.  Tears, laughter, deep shares, and wide-eyed surprise that others have similar stories to theirs. Sitting with other men helps us understand that we are not alone in our journey. 

We practice somatic healing at EVRYMAN, and while I am now used to it and incorporate it in my own self-check-ins, it’s always fascinating to witness men first learning to connect with their bodies. We are so often in our heads, so when we help men feel where their emotions are in their bodies, there is a shift. Stop focusing on the story, start focusing on where you feel that story in your body. This is where the work begins. 

While there is a lot of emotional work, these retreats are also for simply connecting to other men who are looking for a community of like-minded men (i.e. men who are cool with vulnerability and sharing).  There were no more uncomfortable meal times. After our evening programs ended men would spread out in the main room to continue sharing and connecting. Some would take walks together or gather around the fire pit (unused as it was 90 degrees even in the evening!). 

Mike summarized a powerful part of the weekend in his post: “Gay Privilege came up during the weekend. We have a privilege as queer people. We have experiences that straight people will never experience. And that experience comes from living in a heteronormative world where we are marginalized. From that, gay people have the opportunity to create their own norms. Our privilege comes from the lessons of our suffering.” While I always try to be authentic, all the walls come down when I am in a community of queer folks like this. 

On our last day, we asked the men to stand up in pairs and honor each other. It’s beautiful to witness. To hear what each man learned about the other, and what inspired them in their own journey. Afterward, emails, numbers, and Instagram accounts are shared between guys who want to keep connected, and just like that, we all head back into the real world, processing, journaling, and connecting to our bodies and all that we learned. 

It’s weekends like that I feel whole. I feel like I am doing what I was meant to do. I am so thankful for this work and for EVRYMAN. We are already working on the spring retreat at a queer-owned venue either in California or New York. This is just the beginning. 

*Message me if you want to be kept in the loop for upcoming retreats and EVRYMAN events.