Facing Our Fears

Jul 18

For a while now I have been hopeful that America was righting the ship, getting back on track, you know that ‘Liberty and Justice for All’ situation? But after Roe v Wade was overturned, I feel like the gut punches just keep on coming.

I’m hearing from countless queer organizations that it is time to start fundraising and preparing for the rollback of gay marirage, per Clarence Thomas’ opinion and Ted Cruz’s thoughtful input. This week a lawyer in Texas is waging a war on PrEP, a medication that helps prevent the spread of HIV, which has been a game changer for the queer community.

All of this news has me focusing on so much fear. Having the rights taken away that we have spent so many decades fighting for. Once again, having politicians, judges, lawyers, and self-righteous voters looking down and bullying me and my community. It’s a constant reinforcement of trauma.

Last weekend Chris and I had a conversation I never really thought I would be having, we discussed where we may move if another far-right person is elected President. I don’t think I can go through again what I did when 45 was in office. If we lived in another country, we could distance ourselves from it as well as feel safer. I know I have privilege even considering this, but it’s something we are both speaking about seriously for our mental health and our physical safety.

Today I was looking forward to my session with my life coach, Publio Valle, a brilliant and beautiful Brazilian queer man who I was introduced to through The Temple of the Way of Light. Publio studies under world renowned trauma and addiction expert, Dr.Gabor Mate, and often focuses on inner child work, where we heal so much of our trauma. I was in a pretty upbeat mood and was curious what would come up in our session. I laughed at myself because I didn’t really have a topic to process with him, and I always tell my clients to come with a topic! But I am also aware that once in a session, things arise.

Publio and I started off with some deep breathing, to ground and center me. Once we slowed down he asked what was coming up. It was clear- Fear. Fear from all of the recent news and court decisions. Living in the ‘what ifs’ and worrying about what is next. To dig deeper into this we continued breathing, deeper, and deeper, we began moving our bodies (he goes right in moving with me as a good coach does), and as we kept going, the tears began to flow. The sadness poured out, the anger, the fear. I started shaking, almost violently, releasing this fear, all while sobbing and deeply breathing. It was so needed.

Publio then asked about my inner child, what he was feeling, what he looked like right now. But I couldn’t see little Cator, instead, I saw generations of queer folks scared, running, screaming, being beaten, going to jail, dying of AIDS, dying alone. When I told Publio this I had my eyes closed and I just heard him groan. I looked up and he was bent over sobbing with me. All he said through his sobbing was, “Transgenerational trauma is real.”

Let that sink in.

Two queer men, sobbing and rocking together while being countries apart, connecting deeper to this inherited, collective fear. As you may know, Brazil isn’t much better off than America at the moment, so he can relate to the fear, anger, and sadness.

So why share this with my network of friends, family, and clients?

Connecting deeper to your emotions works. Working with a coach or therapist works. ‘Release for Peace,’ as I like to say, is pivotal in self-care. We must go through fear to find expansion.

While my fear hasn’t subsided, I am now tapped into it, aware of it, and in control of it. Instead of sitting with an unsettled feeling, I have leaned into it to (hopefully) release it and work with it. As I posted about in July of 2021, I am not going to feed my fear, but I am thankful to be aware of it, and process it.

You don’t have to be living in fear to still need to connect to self. We are so often going so fast that we don’t stop and check in with our bodies, our hearts, and our emotions. Do yourself a favor and start. Here are some tips on how to connect with your emotions and see what bubbles up:

Meditation. Nothing helps more than simply stopping, sitting, and breathing. What comes up? Fear? Happiness? Sadness? Anger? No matter which one, it’s hugely beneficial to sink into our emotions in order to process them.

Being Present. Often times we fear the future. When your mind starts racing, stop, slow down, breath deeply, and get present. Know that right now, you are ok.

Coaching. If you have a hard time going deeper alone, work with a coach to slow down, open up, and dive deeper. Sharing your feelings removes a lot of the scariness of them and helps you better process them. I am here for you.

Journaling. Writing is a powerful ritual to see what comes up. Make it a part of your morning or evening wellness time. Keep a journal by your bed and let it all out.

Move. I can’t tell you how many times I have burst into tears in yoga. Just moving the body, moving those blocked energies, does wonders. I’ve even cried while paddle boarding a few weeks back. Moving in nature is powerful. Make sure to make movement a part of your daily routine. Dogs wake up and stretch, why don’t we?

Love, Peace, and Light,

Cator