Normalizing Queerness
Happy Pride?
There is so much to feel pride about this month, not only in my life but in the queer community. My loving and fun relationship with my partner, the new gay friends we have met in Charleston, and the enormous amount of publicity, exposure, marketing, and discussion of and about Pride month. Mainstreaming the month helps normalize it for those who don’t regularly encounter queer people. Also, Dr. Rachel Levine became the first openly transgender federal official to be confirmed by the Senate! And a Tennessee organization is working to solve homelessness among transgender women by building tiny homes.
But overall, things have been bleak for queer people in America as of late. Florida’s ‘Dont’ Say Gay’ bill, the Texas GOP calling gay people, ‘abnormal’, and rejecting trans identities, white nationalists trying to disrupt a Pride parade in Idaho, and the fact that nearly 240 anti-LGBTQ bills have been filed in 2022 is just a daily punch in the gut for our community. Not to mention Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas hinting at rolling back gay marriage.
All of this terrible political news has certainly done a number on our queer youth who already often feel less than. So when political figures focus on laws to hurt them, that feeling of worthlessness increases. I am always here for any youth who needs an ear. I see you. I care for you. YOU ARE ENOUGH.
So what do I write as a life coach that uplifts our community, that has actionable items for readers to work with? I’ve been stewing on this for weeks, hence I am just posting nearing the end of Pride month.
The answer that keeps coming up is simply - educate.
I am educating people on a daily basis about the community. Whether it is someone recently asking me, ‘what is a circuit party?’, to reminding someone who says, ‘he just looks gay’, that that is offensive. When a grocery store employee asks what I am making with the broccoli I am buying, I may say, ‘a new recipe I want to try out for my boyfriend.’ Again, educating and normalizing our existence.
Last week at EVRYMAN we hosted our second annual Pride call: Celebrating Pride/Learning, Connecting, and Understanding Your GBTQ+ Brothers. Facilitated by the two gay identifying coaches at EVRYMAN, me and Mike Sagun, it’s a place for straight men to ask us anything. One man asked us, ‘Where do straight men get it wrong?’ I love this question. So vulnerable and curious. A few of us chimed in. One gay man said, ‘I want you to see me as much as I see you.’ He brought up the countless times a straight couple would meet him at an event, and as soon as the straight man realized he was gay, he would make an excuse to go speak to someone else. What a loss for this man to not get to better know a gay man, simply as another human. I said I sometimes see straight men act feminine when impersonating a gay man. That is such an old stereotype that conveys feminine men are inferior. We are not and all gay men are not feminine acting. Also, often times when straight men stumble into our safe spaces (bars and clubs usually) they take up space on the dance floor, slap the drag performers on the ass, and act very pleased with themselves towards their girlfriends that they are brave enough to enter such a space, it’s annoying. When I go to your church I respect its sacred space, please respect ours.
Now, this isn’t meant to be a blog post to wag a finger at straight folks. I hope it’s eye-opening, provokes discussions, questions, comments, and further reading and listening. There are a plethora of queer podcasts out there. Glennon Doyle’s podcast is always inspiring, especially this episode on Queer Freedom.
This is also not just about queer people educating others. We need straight allies to advocate for us when we are not in the room. If you are straight and hear someone use a homophobic slur or have a friend who doesn’t believe in gay marriage, have an open and honest conversation with them. Recently, a straight friend shared a ride to the airport with a Southern Baptist woman and he shared his experiences and beliefs about the gay community and it helped her see things in a new perspective.
Also, I am always here! Ask away! I am happy to share my personal experiences.
Some questions that have come up with friends and clients include:
How did you know you were gay?
What’s the deal with pronouns?
What’s something you deal with daily that straight people don’t?
Why are so many gay men in open relationships? Is it healthy?
How can I be a better ally?
What questions do you have about the queer community?
On a silly happy note: Recently in my kettlebell class, our instructor Mike (a straight dude who is an ally) said we were going to finish the class with a death march, but he really would like to rename this exercise. I suggested ‘Pride March’. Mike cracked a smile and nodded. Going forward we will be ending classes with a Pride March. Another way to normalize our existence, and create dialogue. Thanks, Mike!
Happy Pride!
