Intergenerational Connection
One of my favorite people, dearest friends, and a decadent mentor passed away on March 31. I’ve been wrapping my head around processing this for months.
Philip Hewat-Jaboor was an absolute star. He was a celebrated figure in the art world, working for Sotheby’s, opening his own consulting company, and later, the Chairman of Masterpiece London, a hugely influential art fair. More on him here if you want to get into the wonderful weeds of his life.
I met PHJ (as he was affectionately known) when I became a tenant in the upstairs apartment he and his partner, Rod Keenan, rented out in their dazzling Harlem brownstone, affectionately known in the neighborhood as ‘The Castle’ for its turret and crenelated roof detail. Philip split his time between Jersey (the island in the English channel, and the reason we have NEW Jersey), and Harlem. Rod was full-time in Harlem with a hat studio in the basement which drew everyone from Mary J. Blige to The Scissor Sisters for appointments.
I lived in their home for 20 years, so needless to say, they both became family and we had countless celebrations together yet there were equal amounts of deep connections, quiet evenings conversing, and even terrible awful disagreements. That happens when you are family.
PHJ’s presence is constantly buzzing around me like an absinthe fairy. I think of how he would react to certain scenarios almost daily. Soon after he passed away and I was out to dinner with some friends, I heard a few of them order their meal by saying, ‘I will do the chicken’, or ‘I will do the pasta bolognese,’ and I had to chuckle. PHJ once scolded me for saying this. “What exactly are you going to DO to that chicken, Caitaaaaah?,” he pondered in a sly and mischievous tone, eyes sparkling, reading glasses swinging. He taught me to say, “I will have the chicken please,” period. Take note!
PHJ and I causing mischief
But to dig deeper, something that he taught me, albeit never spoken, was to always surround yourself with a diverse age range of friends. We were 23 years apart, and when I moved into The Castle I was 25. What I noticed early on is that his friend group was a wide mix of ages, experiences, and cultures. I always relished being one of his young friends. When he passed away a group of us who he had taken under his wing named ourselves, ‘The Jaboor Boys’.
As I am now 46, it’s been curious that as of late I have been befriending more and more folks younger than me. I didn’t really notice it at first, but as my new friend circle has grown and age came up, I realized I was now the older friend and I have to say, it feels wonderful. I also feel like PHJ has something to do with this from his champagne cloud in the sky.
As any of my queer readers will know, in the gay community, older gents are often called ‘Daddies’ by the younger set. As this article in Esquire explains, a Daddy is “an attractive man of an older age,” and while there can certainly be a tinge of sexuality attached to the term, a Daddy can be a mentor who provides emotional support and guidance to younger men. To me, it is a huge compliment and I am honored when younger gays I meet on social media or in person come to me with questions and support. I even have a gay client or two who call me Daddy with a wink, before we get into the more serious side of our sessions!
I was looking into this wonderful intergenerational connection and found this article from Inc. that proved my point. Having younger friends can make you smarter, more resilient, and more open-minded.
Benefits of younger friends include:
You learn different perspectives. I relish chatting with these folks regarding politics, education, and of course fashion and music! It’s a great way to ‘hear what the kids are up to’ and keep your mind open to new ideas.
Less competition. Let’s face it, we can often be competitive with our friend group regarding income, travel, relationships etc. This is often not the case with younger/older friend dynamics because it wouldn’t necessarily be expected for them to be on the same level.
They are often more active. Do you miss dancing? Hiking? Going to more social events? Having younger friends can be such a great way to keep social and active.
Let’s face it, they will know way more about technology than you will. Just don’t befriend them simply to come fix your computer!
Mentorship. Many of the younger folks I am friends with ask for advice, and/or I sometimes offer up thoughts and suggestions regarding certain life situations. Please lord do not make some of the same decisions I made. And guess what, I learn from them too. Reverse mentoring is a thing!
Per the Inc. article, "You want an open mind, you should have an open door," says Harvard psychologist Mahzarin Banaji. “And that includes an open door for people of different ages with vastly different perspectives and life experiences.
Just last week I was zipping messages back and forth with a young gay man I met on Instagram discussing the history of house music. How does he know so much at 24?! My nieces (in their 20s and 30s) are constantly schooling me on everything from why straight men are wearing pearl necklaces to how to shop on Instagram. And last month I had some of these Bright Young Things over for cocktails and they eyed a deep purple chunk of rock I keep on my coffee table and asked what it’s all about, I grinned, paused, took a swill of drink, and explained to them the magical history of porphyry, Philip’s (and Caesar, Louis XIV, and Napoleon’s too!) favorite stone. He and Rod managed to gift a few of us some chunks they found when on a pilgrimage to Mon Porphyryties in Egypt. As he once had to explain its rich and fascinating history and meaning to me, I now have the honor to pass the purple torch.
It all comes full circle, dear Philip, your many gifts just keep giving and giving.
Owning It
