The Fundamental Need For Friendship

Mar 9

Friendship is one of the most important parts of my mental well-being. I am a ‘mover and shaker’ as they say, and having people to move and shake with brings great joy to my life. And while I have learned to appreciate alone time much more as I get older, my friend network is who lifts me up, pulls me through difficult situations, and brings me to tears in fits of laughter. And before my family gets their panties in a wad, yes, I see you as part of my friend network too! That said, my ‘Chosen family’ of queer folks, especially as a gay man, has been so important to feel seen, heard, and understood in a world that even today can still be treacherously vicious to our community.

For many folks, friendship can be hard to find for many reasons: Moving to a new town, their past trauma of unhealthy friendships, and of course anxiety and depression can all keep us isolated. This is not how humans are meant to live. Just think of cavemen around the fire, we have been in community since we could walk and communicate. Friendship is vital for living a quality life, it improves our health and can even lengthen our time on Earth.

That’s why The New York Times best-seller, Platonic, by Dr. Marisa G. Franco, resonated so deeply with me and I have recommended it to most of my clients. I first learned about the book from the cofounder of EVRYMAN, Lucas Krump, who was interviewed for a section about ‘Men and Vulnerability’. He suggested I reach out to Dr. Franco to be a guest on one of our EVRYMAN Live calls (I help EVRYMAN with media relations- it’s in my blood!). He connected us and she agreed, on her own terms, to meet at 4 pm instead of 8 pm and to speak for one hour and not 90 minutes. I love this. She practices what she preaches about having boundaries (self-care!). Since I first met Dr. Franco she has catapulted to wellness world fame with interviews in The Wall Street Journal, The Atlantic, NPR and was a guest on one of my favorite podcasts, We Can Do Hard Things, with Glennon Doyle. Her call with our EVRYMAN men brought a huge group of men together who were fully engaged for the full hour. As she told us after the event, “It was so lovely to be surrounded by a group of men thinking thoughtfully about love and connection and invested in changing norms. Please share with them that I am their biggest fan!”

I share this event because it showed me so clearly how much men need connection and so often don’t have it. Even SNL parodied straight men just last week poking fun at their lack of depth. As a gay man, I can tell you it isn’t only straight men who have a hard time opening up. We all know the ‘The Bitchy Queen’ stereotype in our community who throws everyone under the bus. Why? Because that’s their shield from past and possibly current trauma.

While I strongly urge all of y’all to pick up a copy of this book, here are a few of the many, many nuggets of wisdom I found so revelatory and helpful:

Friendship isn’t based on luck. You have to put yourself out there, initiate conversations, and share vulnerability.

While women can often simply sit eye to eye and delve deep, men often have a third object in their friendships such as working on a car, hunting, shooting hoops, or watching Drag Race, so you have something to talk about instead of talking to each other.

We often shun friendship for romance, to our detriment. Our thumbs are sore from swiping on dating apps for love yet we don’t lift a finger to find friendship. It is vital we unlearn this cultural message that romance trumps friendship.

Conflict is normal in friendships, so bring it up instead of distancing ourselves. Vulnerability brings us closer.

The rise of homophobia, or more specifically, homohysteria has ravaged straight men’s friendships. Straight men’s fears of being perceived as gay has impeded emotional intimacy among men.

The bullet points could go on and on, but these are some that really resonated. I am so thankful for the friends I have and continue to make. As I wrote about intergenerational friendships last year, connection never has to end. Also, big shout out to EVRYMAN where I get to connect to men from all walks of life who are open to looking me eye to eye and processing some deep emotions (as well as sharing big hugs and bigger laughs). No cars, guns, or TV shows needed.