A Rite of Passage

Feeling all the love. Photo @Tom Kubik

I am just settling back into my Charleston flow after a long weekend in  California where I had the honor of being an assistant facilitator on an EVRYMAN retreat.  I’m exhausted and still processing all that happened.

We had 23 men join us for our MELT retreat (Mens Emotional Leadership Training) in awe-inspiring Joshua Tree, California. Three months ago I asked Owen co-(founder of EVRYMAN and our sage) if I could assist with this retreat since I will be co-facilitating our first GBTQ+ retreat with Mike Sagun this September in Texas. While I’m confident in my coaching skills, facilitating is another level and I wanted a little more practice under my belt. Also, I relish being on these retreats. Meeting new men, doing this work, watching men break open, and of course doing my own work through this whole process. 

Mike, Brent, Eric, Ryan and Owen. Our MELT facilitator team

I was full of equal parts fear and excitement stepping onto the other side of the circle as part of the leadership team for the first time. A rite of passage. I learned so much and witnessed brilliant breakthroughs, heart-wrenching pain, and beautiful connections with every grounding breath. 

I’ve been working with this team for four years now and this was my third retreat so I felt like I understood the flow and generally what to expect. One new addition to the team (for me) was Stacy Tucker.. She is an ER nurse who also works with acupuncture and diet. She works with the body, while we work on the mind. Although somatic healing is the foundation of our process. It was brilliant having her and her wisdom included in the weekend.  

I landed in LA on Thursday and took a taxi to my friend Eric’s home where we had lunch before hopping in his car and heading to the desert. He is also assisting so I was pumped to spend time with him again after we took the year-long EVRYMAN Foundations training together last year. 

It was lovely connecting with the team on Thursday in 29 Palms (next to Joshua Tree) before the retreat kicked off Friday afternoon at the cozy and hospitable Campbell House Inn. People have no idea how much in-depth planning goes into these retreats from the lessons to the agenda, to helping all these men feel safe and heard. Friday we kicked off and I felt so proud to sit with the EVRYMAN team in our first circle. Imposter syndrome certainly flared up but sitting with these men I know so well and seeing the love and support in their eyes was always calming. 

Glowing with Stacy Tucker and Kyle Sommerall

That evening Stacy did acupuncture for whoever was interested. There were about 18 of us and we sat in a circle in the gathering room with a beautiful ethereal playlist calming us. She only needed ears and heads (not the whole body due to space and time). As soon as the first needle went into my ear the tears began to flow. Stacy whispered that this part of the ear is connected to the lungs where we hold grief. This made sense as I just moved my parents out of the house we lived in for 25 years. I hadn’t processed that grief yet and here it came. All of it. I sobbed I rocked, I shook. I was waiting for this retreat for this moment. My brothers Eric and Ryan were on either side of me holding my hands. Mike came up behind me and just wrapped his arms tightly around me and pushed on my chest. Cathartic doesn’t even capture it. I wasn’t the only man in tears, this release was much needed for many.

Saturday is the longest day of our retreat. We pack a lot in to make the most of the weekend. While I won’t go into specifics (come to one!), what I kept hearing all weekend was- 

Men. Need. Connection. With. Men. 

To open up, to be held, to be heard by another man is powerful and something society has told us for generations to avoid. 

I heard countless men say to me and each other,  ‘I always thought I was the only one. I had no idea other men felt this loneliness, confusion, and sadness too!’  While there was a lot of work on the agenda we want men to have time to simply be with each other and connect on a social level too. Saturday afternoon we drove out to Joshua Tree and hiked about 15 minutes to a giant rock formation on the Contract Mine trail and gave the men 45 minutes to wander and connect. Mike, Owen, Brent, and Tom Kubik  (our incredible photographer and EVRYMAN aficionado) climbed to the top of the rocks and cracked jokes, admired the views, and just enjoyed being in each other’s presence. Being present is what these retreats are all about. 

That evening after dinner we had more social time and half the men ended up in the hot tub together. Dude soup! We watched the sunset, gazed at the stars, and continued the connections. 

Sunday we wrapped up. Not before doing more powerful work as a group. Honoring each other and ourselves. Men couldn’t get over that 25 hours ago this group of guys were total strangers and now we have a lifelong connection. 

I’m so honored to do this work. I needed this retreat as much as the men who joined us did. There were heaving cries, deep body shakes, and tears every single day flowing from my body that needed to be released. The most beautiful part? There were men there every single time holding me, loving me, honoring me and my journey. 

I grew up with straight white men bullying me to no end. To now find safety with straight men (and the queer ones too!) in these circles has helped me find compassion for everyday men I come across in my life. I don’t need to know their stories but for years I felt nervous around straight men and now I feel connected, even if they don’t. It takes time. 

Vulnerability + Length of time = Depth of connection

Thank you EVRYMAN for this opportunity. I can’t wait for the next adventure.